I just received a call out of the blue from a friend of mine last night. We where bffs, senior year in school. For three and a half hours we talked!!! I don’t talk on the phone for 3 minutes let alone hours!!!!!
But it was so nice. Her first words so loving and cheery “Jenny how are ya toots?!?!?” I just burst into tears. These three weeks I haven’t talked with anybody, I haven’t wanted to talk. Just hearing the love and friendship in her voice I just had to tell her everything.
Carver knew my husband and his brother before I even met them. And no, she didn’t introduce us. David introduced himself to me first. Then I met Carver at school.
Anyway as I told her what happened to my son, being kidnapped and all, she just let me talk and bawl. I’d hear her say softly “oh , jenny. Oh, jenny” and I’d hear a sniffle and I knew she was crying along with me.
This beautiful lady knew my pain, but so much worse. Having your child kidnapped and torchered is the 2nd worst thing a parent can go through. She had the the first worst thing. She lost her child. No parent should EVER have to outlive their own baby. NO ONE should ever have to go through that pain.
I have been stuck in my pain for these last three weeks. Yes my son is alright, yes the uncle and cousin are in jail. But it’s not over (but that’s another blog).
But I’m still stuck in my pain. I can’t go on. I am afraid to fall asleep because of my night terrors. I’m afraid to leave my house. I have major panic attacks stepping out my front door. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I hide when someone knocks on my door. I can’t move. And I feel so dang guilty about it. My husband leaves for work every day. How?????
But she told me a story that someone told her. ……
“You are running towards someone, you have something extremely important to tell them. So your running and your running hard. Then you fall, you’ve stubbed your toe. You’ve actually jammed it, maybe broke it. Do you immediately get up? Or do you stay there holding your toe for a few seconds or even minutes? If the person your needing to talk to walks up to you, do you immediately tell them what you needed to say? Or do you use some explicit language about your hurt foot? You might even be angry and frustrated and say something you don’t mean that’s nasty or hurtful first. But a person never just jumps up like nothing happened, like you never got hurt. A person needs time. Time you hold their toe. Time for the hurt to at least reach a manageable level. No one can instantly shut off the pain and resume life like a switch. It doesn’t work that way.”
I really thought about that. Carver is so right. I just thought I should pass that along. I know she would want her words that helped me so much last night, be able to help others.
My daughter also sent me a beautiful text yesterday. I’ll show it to you too.
I guess I just have to remember that strength doesn’t mean you have to stand on your own. Sometimes that’s a weakness. Sometimes strength comes from leaning on other people. I’m still scared to go out my door. I still want to just stay hidden in bed under the covers. But I think I’ll start answering the phone just a little more. And maybe I’ll answer the door today.